Do you remember the part in Finding Nemo when Marlin and Dory are in the depths of the ocean and they come across a beautiful light?
It puts them in some sort of trance. For a moment life is beautiful and all their anxieties and fears are leagues away. Then this happens:
This is exactly how I feel. The happy, mesmerizing feelings of the fast have faded and the evil monster has shown its face.
I hate every juice I make. I hate the sound of my juicer. I hate cleaning it. Joe Cross – of “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” – is a bully and I hate him for inspiring me to do this.
I hate that I can’t go a minute without thinking about this stupid fast, and then I realize that the reason I can’t disconnect from it is because the real issue is that I can’t go a minute without thinking about food, which then makes me think about the fact that I’m fasting.
It’s not even that I’m hungry. I’m just so over this.
But I can’t stop now.
Stopping now would make the last 7 days completely pointless. I haven’t even lost any weight to show for it.
Years ago I started training for a marathon, but training was too hard, so I gave up. A few years after that I found out I have a degenerative nerve disorder that affects my legs and feet, which explains why running has always been so hard for me. It justified what I had considered a failure for not meeting my marathon goal. But to this day I still hate that I didn’t get to accomplish running a marathon, and I never will.
But I’m making this fast is my marathon. I’m a quarter of the way through, so at about mile 6 or 7. The runners high kicked in around mile 3, but it has worn off now. And there’s still many miles ahead.
This marathon I will finish.
Even if I have to drag my broken, bloody body across the finish line.
Before I embark on my daily walk ’round downtown I wanted to take a moment to provide an update, since I was quite grouchy about the whole thing this morning.
I’m doing better. I had a mango/pineapple/coconut water juice. It was delicious and rekindled my love. However, now it is lunchtime and I can’t bring myself to drink the bok choy/carrot/beet juice I brought to work, but I’ll do it. Discipline and self-control are hard won battles, and for now I’m winning by willpower alone. But at least it’s a start.
I’ve also noticed that over the last few days I am sharper mentally. Work is much more productive and I’m not getting as overwhelmed.
When the hamster wheel slows down it reduces the noise inside your head and allows you to focus on what really matters.