It finally happened. I’m finally done. Yesterday I met a handsome, single, nice guy in church. In a meet-cute sort of way. He had the sweetest little girl with him, and he was with his mom, who helped with the “nudge nudge” (I wonder if I’ll be that “subtle” with my adult kiddos).
But alas, I turned and walked away.
He’s probably recently divorced and bitter, or he’ll throw my faith back in my face when I don’t do what he wants, or he’ll be a bad influence, or he’ll love me for the person he wants me to be (a carbon copy of his ex-wife, perhaps?), and then hate me when I either become that person (“You are just like my ex!”) or when I refuse to become her and the façade falls away and he realizes that – gasp! – I’m human and ‘lo and behold, I don’t actually deserve to be on that pedestal he insisted on placing me.
Or he’ll be a perfectly nice guy and I’ll just assume the above will happen and it’ll become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah. So. Not even going there.
If God wants me to be with someone he’s going to have to write it on a literal sign, make the guy hold it and then shove this guy in my face, and keep on putting him in my path. Then again, I’d probably just get the guy arrested for stalking me. 😉
I know my God is bigger than my hang ups, and I want to trust him and be open to whatever he might do, but after what I’ve been through, if I ever did walk down the aisle again I’d be more shocked than if I witnessed the second coming of Christ, because at least I KNOW the second coming is going to happen at some point.
I don’t have such assurances about my love life.
In fact, the assurances most certainly seem to be going the other way. I don’t understand why God allows some people to find true love, and others to stay single. But I believe it’s because he has a bigger, better plan.
This bigger, better, alternate plan is what I am finally acquiescing to. I just had to let go of the dream that some amazing, supportive, attentive man would be at my side during the journey.
Then again, I already have an amazing, supporting, attentive man at my side. I’m finally choosing to give him the focus he deserves.
There are people who will read this blog and see it as a sign of weakness. They’ll say I’ve lost and they have won. I may have seen it that same way at one point, and it took my latest ex, and some drama with his latest conquest, to see how fortunate I am to have lost the “loves” I have lost. I’ve been hurt by people who never deserved the treasures I gave to them, and thank God they are no longer in my life.
I can never get those treasures back, but whenever the enemy seeks to destroy us, God works infinitely harder to build us up. I win when all is said and done, because I’ve grown, and where are they? Still playing the same tricks and wondering why life still isn’t working out for them? Still trying to fill up time with someone who will never be anything more than a warm body in their bed, just to drown out the drone of life?
I took a chance. I chose to see the good. I trusted and I hoped. I loved and I was made a fool of. But I don’t hate love, or even the men who made a fool out of me. It taught me lessons I’ll use in other areas of life.
As for me, that was one season of my life. I’ll call it my Season of Dating. Before that it was a Season of Marriage. Now I’m in a Season of Purpose.
This will be my best season yet. Now the real fun begins. I am thankful to God for expelling the trash out of my life, so my real treasures can shine.
If you find yourself in a similar place, let me know about it in the comments, and check out Ten Reasons to Give Yourself Permission to Write Your Own Fairytale by Mandy Hale, The Single Woman.