I really dislike News Years Resolutions. Even the name seems to imply they are temporary; something you set your sights on when the clock strikes midnight on January 1, as though that day were any more magical than December 31. A recipe for failure, in my opinion. When the year is not so new, old habits tend to resurface.
Nothing is done on determination alone. You need to be determined to take those first few steps, but sustainability requires change at a much deeper level.
That process is slow, and oftentimes painful. I’m still scraping along.
As I look back on 2013, I realize it was everything I had expected it to be. Last January I told myself that 2013 would be my year of walking through doors that would swing open for me. And after 2012 (my year of “Boldness”), I knew I’d have the courage to walk through.
In 2013 I spoke in front of several large audiences. I pitched my work to the gatekeepers of the publishing world and even got as far as a request from a major publisher to read my full manuscript (still waiting for a answer on that one). I also moved torward self-publishing another novel, which will be released January 31, and I started work on yet another novel.
God revealed my ministry to me and then opened the door at a new church for me to serve. Through that endeavour I’ve seen the realization of a long-awaited dream and I’ve made a bunch of new friends – an answered prayer all on its own.
And in 2013 I fell in love again. And I got my heart broken again. Each multiple times, each with the same guy. It’s been tumultuous to say the least. I’ve lived a few chapters right out of one of my novels, from momentous first kisses to passionate and angst-ridden final kisses, and a million smiles and tears and analytical conversations in between. And as we move into the new year I’m almost certain I’ll be bringing him with me. I’m just not sure to what extent, or whether its even good thing for me. Or for him. Or whether it is even love. Something less? Something more? And why is God so silent on this one?
My resolutions will be mostly typical – lose weight, manage my money better, etc. – but I’m also resolving to give myself permission to not have all the answers.
I’ve always been the all-in type. No in-betweens for this girl. If I vow to eat healthy, I’m going to go full vegan. I buy a juicer and instead of juicing once a day, I have to go on a 7-day juice fast. If I date someone it has to be an all-in, full-out lovefest resulting in a marriage proposal after a few months, followed by a painful breakup a few months after that. My former (current?) guy wouldn’t allow me to do that. He offered no promises, and told me no lies. Yet, every time I walked away he came after me. He’s patient and understanding the way no one else has ever been with me. He’s never said he loved me, but somehow he makes me feel more loved and wanted than I’ve ever felt before. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing, or a sad indication of the state of my love life and my reduced expectations. Regardless, the fact of the matter is he gets me in a way I don’t even get myself and that’s why I keep coming back to him. There is a connection I can’t define.
Maybe that’s what I’m meant to learn through all this. We can’t always define the things that happen to us, because some things just are. Simple as that. And we have to trust that God will help us figure it out when the time is right.
This notion does not bode well for someone like me, who is super organized to the point of obsessiveness, and who attempts to plot her life like one of her novels, and then neurotically mulls it over through countless edits and rewrites.
So I’m throwing my hands up as I walk into 2014 and declaring that I haven’t a clue what this year will bring. And that’s okay. I don’t have to do everything 100%. I don’t need to be all one thing or all another.
I’m publishing a book. It may or may not sell.
I’m waiting for “The Call” from a major publisher. It may end up being a rejection email instead.
I’m looking forward to wrapping my arms around a man who may or may not be good for me. It may lead to more heartbreak, or my greatest adventure. Or both.
I’ll continue working on a new book that may or may not be finished by the end of the year, but I can guarantee it’ll be a wild ride no matter what.
The entire year is sure to be a wild ride. And this time, I’m just going to hold on and enjoy the feel of the wind on my cheeks. I’ll take my tea breaks and reflect. I’ll write about it and mull over the words. I may cry a tear or two. But I’m going to treasure every tumultuous, angst-ridden, exhilerating second, whether or not I have the answers. Because on the flip side of that are moments of calm and reflection, and all of it exists in perfect balance.
In 2014 I’m going to work on finding that balance.
What are your resolutions for 2014?