Some days I feel like a deflating balloon. All the air is rushing out and I’m just flailing in the air until I’m spent. I’m like that kid at Disneyland who finally has enough…all the sounds, colors, movement and hours of being shuffled from one thing to the next finally take their toll.
This morning I’m paying that toll, holed up in my bedroom just wishing I could slap my hands over my ears and run away screaming.
Or maybe curl into bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist…
But alas, the world continues to spin and I have no choice by to trod along with it. Sigh…
I know I am to blame. I put too much pressure on myself. If I do something I have to do it BIG. Make a book trailer with images and music? Oh no…it has to have live action with good actors, a film crew and a studio. Oh, and while I’m at it I’m also going to film an entire scene from my book and make it a sort of teaser. And since my main character is a singer/songwriter and the book is titled after the lyrics of one of her songs, I should find a songwriter who will put music to my lyrics and record it. Ooh, ooh, we can put it on iTunes and…
Ugh. Nevermind that I don’t have the thousands of dollars to pull any of this off, nor do I have the time.
Which leads me to my next rant…the day job. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my day job. Love love love it! Sometimes I just wish there was less of it, or that the hours I devote to it weren’t so mentally draining. I’m already mostly out of air at the end of the day, with little left to give to the other aspects of my life.
I suppose it’s all about balance, and learning how to compromise.
The thing is, I don’t want to compromise on my creative vision. I have this exciting vision for the marketing plan for my novel, but I can’t pull it off because of logistics. Logistics. What a practical, ugly word. I don’t want my art to be practical.
So here I am, stuck with all this creative stuff swirling in my head and I have no way to see it to fruition. Essentially, I’m the cause of my own sensory overload. That’s why I write…just to get it OUT of my head. Now my creative juices are flowing into other areas, but it’s like the dead sea, just pooling there with nowhere to go.
I mean, really…am I seriously thinking of becoming a video producer? Song writer?
It’s one thing to be a dreamer, but it’s another thing entirely to get obsessed over dreams that are so utterly unrealistic.
I never want to stop dreaming. I’m glad I dream big. I just wish I was better at recognizing when my dreams are too big, and that I was more accepting of settling for something less.
Then again, no amount of greatness ever began because someone settled and I still refuse to believe my dreams won’t come true because of lack of finances or because I don’t have an acceptable social media “following.” My God is bigger that all of that.
This morning in my prayer/meditation time God directed me to Mark 6:8-9:
“He instructed them that they should take nothing for their journey, except a mere staff—no bread, no bag, no money in their belt— but to wear sandals; and He added, ‘Do not put on two tunics’.”
God wanted his disciples to be able to move without the hindrances of baggage, and to fulfill their mission trusting in the Lord to provide. This passage goes on to encourage the disciples to accept food and housing, for they are laborers and worthy of this payment.
So I am encouraged, even as I lay here with the air deflated, because I know that God will provide according to His will and that as long as I am stepping forward in faith I will be worthy of my payment, whatever that may be.
I might not be able to get these dreams out of my head right now, but I still give them to the One who can make them a reality. And as I start my day with spreadsheets and PowerPoint slides, I know He is working on my behalf. And what will be, will be.